Punishing Yourself

For weeks now I have tried to renew a friendship that has proven to be futile in the least. I've reached out, I've called, emailed, and as you have read...I've even blogged. Although the reasons for my break up had little to do with me, my ex and I sat down and talked about what he was feeling and through that thought process decided that it would be best for that stage of our lives to come to an end. In that conversation it was said many times how much we loved one another and would truly like to remain friends. You would think that since I was the one being left that I would not encourage such a relationship, however, I was able to see that the love we shared was far more than this moment of disappointment in time.

To pretend that the pain, hurt, and questions didn't exist would be a lie to myself and to you. I have no reason to feel ashamed that I suffered all emotions that come along with losing someone you love. But to be honest I think the bigger pain was not fully understanding why. I couldn't understand how I could love someone like that and not be loved in return. Today I question that love at all. My efforts to remain friends have been great on my side but more like constipation on his. He seems to be backed up with emotion and simply cant open up to that stage yet. For God sake...someone give him a laxative!

I've sat and wondered why this blockage exists. Why my attempts at friendship are met with silence and a lack of caring. The little communication we do have all seem to be one or two word responses on his part. For weeks now I have beat myself up wondering what I did to deserve being treated this was. I've wondered why he would tell me he wants to be my friend and then turn around and ignore me like I don't exist...or at least until he wants something. It reminds me of the question I asked myself over and over after our split. I'd sit and ask myself "why did he ask me to move in? Why did he ask me to marry him and then do this?"

NO MORE! I'm not going to ask myself these types of questions anymore. I am looking for answers that I will probably never get. I'm hoping to understand someone who doesn't want to be understood. In these efforts I have only hurt myself and the positive space I need to live in. Its hard to say "I don't care" but at what point do you stop believing in someones ability to provide you some answers or happiness. Expect nothing of anyone else. Only set expectations on yourself...this way you only have yourself to be disappointed in. For as much good as people may have and want to provide you...expecting that of them will lead to a lack of fulfilment. You can't change them...but you can change yourself and the way you think.

I can't say that his lack of interest in a friendship with me after 4 years doesn't bother me but I am done giving it or him my time and energy. Some say that he needs time...space...what freaking time and space does he need that I haven't needed more of. He made this choice. I've learned to accept it and move on with my life...what more does he need? But it stops now. I am taking my power back and I am not going to allow that to drain me of time or energy anymore.

If you are suffering because someone has hurt you or because you don't seem to be getting what you want or need in a relationship...cut the cord. Relationships should help us grow, become better people, and learn how to love EVERYTHING in life. When a relationship you are involved in stops doing that and takes you down another path...one that is less than happy...you need to stop and think. Look around. Survey the landscape and see if you are in a grassy meadow or an arid plot of nothing.

Stop punishing yourself...release them and all negative that goes with it.