Open Heart

As people, we are designed to love and be loved. For some that design can get tangled and twisted by life experience either in childhood, adolescents, adulthood, in relationships, or in death. All of these things shape who we are and who we become, but there is no reason to sink into such a dark place that we allow those experiences to create a life of negativity for ourselves.


I'm a young 36, but I truly feel like I have lived a full life. I have much more I'd like to do and see but I recognize that I've experienced a lot...good and not so good...none the less I realize that the not so good has helped make me the person that I am today. Flaws and all.


As a child I experienced a lot of turmoil in the home. I think that was partly due to being born to two people who were far too young to have a child. At 17 and 18 they hadn't given themselves the opportunity to live for themselves but they were going to bring me into this world anyway. I remember the yelling and screaming. I remember the cheating. I remember the physical things I saw. I used to hate that part of my life, those memories and the emotions they brought with them. To this day I still get anxious and a knotted stomach when I hear or witness yelling and violence. Though I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone, I wouldn't change it for myself.


Later on my grandparents took over and raised me as their ninth son. I am the oldest of about 30 grandchildren so it was a strange dichotomy being the youngest son yet oldest cousin. It was different. I remember being around eleven or twelve and driving my grandfather home in his truck because he had too much to drink. I could hardly see over the wheel. But that was the way it was a lot of the time...him having too much to drink. On good days it was a happy drink...but on bad days...just stay out of the way. He was never physically abusive but man could his voice carry and sting. And despite those days I remember more of the love he had for us and how we never went hungry or without a roof over our heads. I remember the man who you could always count on if you needed help. The man that many would come to for assistance.

Today I am a man full of life. Having struggled with love and my own mind, I can truly say that I am a happy soul, full of life and willing to jump in with both feet forward. Recently I was faced with the disillusion of a relationship I thought for sure would be the one I had for the rest of my life. When he decided that I was no longer what he wanted I had so many questions about what I did wrong or what I could have done differently. As time passed and I allowed my mind to digest what had just happened I realized that I did nothing wrong. I loved, protected, supplied, and honored the person I was and the person I was with. Despite that realization I still shut down and shut off for a period of time. Its human nature...and I needed to recognize that. Not so easy when you are in the thick of it. Now I realize I am okay and he is okay.

It's hard when you plant every seed in a garden and it fails to provide fruit, but that should not stop you from planting again. That should not keep you from learning the soil, the crop, and the nutrients required to bring up a bountiful season. I wanted to give up and let my plot dry...and then someone came along and said no...with the spirit of hope and love he watered the dry grounds of my soul and things began to grow again. Little and slow but I now know that that's how we all start out. Perhaps it will lead to one season of fruit or perhaps it will lead to a life of giving. The point it the soil was ready to receive.

Here I am, two months after such a hard period in my life, and I am aware enough to know that it should not end with my past...but should GROW with my future. My heart. My soul. And my love. We are all worthy of that and if we are open and lucky, that person will come by to make you see life does not end there...

Even in your darkest hour remember to keep your heart open because an open heart and open mind allows the world to be your oyster. From a grain of sand a pearl is born, and while we walk on it and take little notice that grain of sand provides us with jewels coveted by the world over. The same for love. From a spark and and interest a huge flame that warms the heart can ignite. I've opened myself to that and I know that so long as I keep those paths clear of negative things from my past I will be here to receive the beautiful opportunities the universe wants to provide. DO NOT close yourself off, mind, body, or spirit.

When you are not looking things will pop into your existence that will floor you and make you see the light that radiates from everything we are involved in. Love is grand. Love is anxiety. Love is peace. Love is bliss. Live in bliss and live in the life you deserve to have.