Day 7 with no medication. WOW. Not feeling well at all. My
neurological issues seem to be worse in the earlier part of the day. By evening
they are not as severe but they are definitely still there. Was running a fever
yesterday, typical of Lupus. What is so trying is the dizziness. I am spinning
all the time. Today mobility is becoming an issue for sure. It’s like I have
all these ideas of things I want to do or get done but the mere thought of
attempting to get out of my chair is exhausting.
I seem to be especially emotional lately and I’m curious to
know if this is typical or if it’s out of the frustrations I’m having with the
lack of abilities. And confused! Jeez, sometimes I don’t feel like I know which
way is up. I continue to push myself to get to work and do the things that need
to be done but now I’m starting to evaluate the balance because the lack of concentration
is beginning to be more detrimental to my responsibilities. I assumed that my
illness would tell me when I was unable to work anymore but in fact I am going
to be the one to make that decision. Forty years old and these are my choices.
When did my train jump the tracks? This is not at all what I had envisioned my
life to be like. It’s nothing like I’d hoped and its sad for me to see my plans
go up in smoke. I keep trying to find meaning to all of this. To find a way to
use my circumstance for the better, to find fulfillment in all of this, but the
limitations brought on by Lupus make it difficult to even attempt.
What’s even more interesting is that I have begun to
evaluate people in my life and the energy they consume. To employ a checks and
balances where relationships are concerned. Ties I once held on to are breaking
free and I am okay with it. I don’t have the energy to entertain those who consistently
take and take but never return the favor. Slowly I am recognizing who is a
friend and who is a fair weather friend. Surprisingly enough, there are a few
close to me that I honestly considered family because our friendships were so
deep. But now, when shit is hitting the fan, they are nowhere to be found. I mean,
they are around, even by my side at times, but they are only there for what
they can get from me, not what they can exchange.
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