We all have a lot going on in day to day life. Things get busy and we run and run trying to stay up with the pace...if not ahead. During all of the goings on we might experience some rough patches but the sun does come up again.
About two weeks ago I received news that my step sister and her boyfriend got engaged and are getting married in October. It was news that made my heart happy because the two of them are great people and it was nice to know they had found one another.
Then...about three days ago I learned that my dad is getting married in September. That pushed me over the top...lol. I am soaring with happiness to know that he and my step mom are finally getting hitched after so long. I love it and I love them. I could not be happier. But...to put the icing on the cake...my dad asked me to be his best man. What an honor! I look forward to all of it.
When life gets you caught up in the rat race and you start to feel down or pressured...look around. You can find happiness somewhere...and even if its not directly related to you...it feels great to be happy for someone else. Trust me...that happiness is contagious.
Love and be loved...on any level.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Turning A Leaf
My goal with this blog has always been to heal and cleanse. With that I wanted to help others express themselves and find comfort that someone else might be going through the same thing. I want to hear you and get feed back and have dialogue.
Yesterday I was asked to face some of my own reality. I say asked because unless you are willing to look at yourself through another persons eyes you can not be forced...you must be willing. In that willingness you will most likely learn and grow.
While reading some of my recent posts and past emails I realized how some of the things I stated could be hurtful to others...especially to someone I was in love with and still love as a human being. While I recognize the origin of these emotions I cant, in my heart of hearts, believe that I was in the right to throw them out there. In doing so I hurt someone. What I wanted to be a cleansing and healing experience turned into a benefit for me but pain to him. That was never what I wanted. Inflicting emotional or physical pain on another is never healing. On the contrary, its more damaging in the long run.
I talk about releasing negativity and allowing yourself to grow. While I was growing in some areas I was regressing in others. On the surface I was releasing emotion and confused that with negativity. I hadn't taken the time to look at it from the outside and see that in fact I was still carrying that negativity around with me. Now that I've taken a moment to reflect on my words I can move forward to a place where I can work on myself constructively and not be deconstructive to another. Of course not every step of the way is going to be perfect but I am armed with the knowledge that will help me keep more of a level head.
I guess what I'm trying to say is...we often react to situations without taking a breath to think about how to react. I, like many, am full of passion...for love, for life, for living the good life and fighting the good fight. But to be able to harness that passion and make it work FOR you rather than against you is when we start to become successful in our own right. There is no reason to step on another to reach the heights you want to achieve. In fact, we should be bringing more people along with us not keeping them down. That is how we create a happy existence.
After all is said and done I have to realize that I was upset and hurt over a truth that turned my life upside down...his truth. But I can not fault him for living his truth. Its his and despite the fact that I was no longer going to play into it I must recognize that for him to try and live a lie to keep me happy would have hurt the both of us...so I thank him. Perhaps a little too late but he should know I am grateful for what we had. I recognize that the good FAR out weighed the bad and I will forever cherish those times. And as I grow I know I will cherish his truth because it has set the both of us free...and lets face it...who wants to live in bondage, be it by love or anything else.
So I dedicate this entry to him. For opening my eyes and helping me take a look at myself and for moving me along a path where I can be more honest with myself and in turn be more honest with you. It is important that we ALL take a look at our roll in how we are feeling and what we have done to ourselves to allow others to make us feel a certain way. But most important...how we make others feel. I have a friend, Paul Boynton who says "Begin with YES..." Think about it...it has helped me.
Yesterday I was asked to face some of my own reality. I say asked because unless you are willing to look at yourself through another persons eyes you can not be forced...you must be willing. In that willingness you will most likely learn and grow.
While reading some of my recent posts and past emails I realized how some of the things I stated could be hurtful to others...especially to someone I was in love with and still love as a human being. While I recognize the origin of these emotions I cant, in my heart of hearts, believe that I was in the right to throw them out there. In doing so I hurt someone. What I wanted to be a cleansing and healing experience turned into a benefit for me but pain to him. That was never what I wanted. Inflicting emotional or physical pain on another is never healing. On the contrary, its more damaging in the long run.
I talk about releasing negativity and allowing yourself to grow. While I was growing in some areas I was regressing in others. On the surface I was releasing emotion and confused that with negativity. I hadn't taken the time to look at it from the outside and see that in fact I was still carrying that negativity around with me. Now that I've taken a moment to reflect on my words I can move forward to a place where I can work on myself constructively and not be deconstructive to another. Of course not every step of the way is going to be perfect but I am armed with the knowledge that will help me keep more of a level head.
I guess what I'm trying to say is...we often react to situations without taking a breath to think about how to react. I, like many, am full of passion...for love, for life, for living the good life and fighting the good fight. But to be able to harness that passion and make it work FOR you rather than against you is when we start to become successful in our own right. There is no reason to step on another to reach the heights you want to achieve. In fact, we should be bringing more people along with us not keeping them down. That is how we create a happy existence.
After all is said and done I have to realize that I was upset and hurt over a truth that turned my life upside down...his truth. But I can not fault him for living his truth. Its his and despite the fact that I was no longer going to play into it I must recognize that for him to try and live a lie to keep me happy would have hurt the both of us...so I thank him. Perhaps a little too late but he should know I am grateful for what we had. I recognize that the good FAR out weighed the bad and I will forever cherish those times. And as I grow I know I will cherish his truth because it has set the both of us free...and lets face it...who wants to live in bondage, be it by love or anything else.
So I dedicate this entry to him. For opening my eyes and helping me take a look at myself and for moving me along a path where I can be more honest with myself and in turn be more honest with you. It is important that we ALL take a look at our roll in how we are feeling and what we have done to ourselves to allow others to make us feel a certain way. But most important...how we make others feel. I have a friend, Paul Boynton who says "Begin with YES..." Think about it...it has helped me.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Punishing Yourself
For weeks now I have tried to renew a friendship that has proven to be futile in the least. I've reached out, I've called, emailed, and as you have read...I've even blogged. Although the reasons for my break up had little to do with me, my ex and I sat down and talked about what he was feeling and through that thought process decided that it would be best for that stage of our lives to come to an end. In that conversation it was said many times how much we loved one another and would truly like to remain friends. You would think that since I was the one being left that I would not encourage such a relationship, however, I was able to see that the love we shared was far more than this moment of disappointment in time.
To pretend that the pain, hurt, and questions didn't exist would be a lie to myself and to you. I have no reason to feel ashamed that I suffered all emotions that come along with losing someone you love. But to be honest I think the bigger pain was not fully understanding why. I couldn't understand how I could love someone like that and not be loved in return. Today I question that love at all. My efforts to remain friends have been great on my side but more like constipation on his. He seems to be backed up with emotion and simply cant open up to that stage yet. For God sake...someone give him a laxative!
I've sat and wondered why this blockage exists. Why my attempts at friendship are met with silence and a lack of caring. The little communication we do have all seem to be one or two word responses on his part. For weeks now I have beat myself up wondering what I did to deserve being treated this was. I've wondered why he would tell me he wants to be my friend and then turn around and ignore me like I don't exist...or at least until he wants something. It reminds me of the question I asked myself over and over after our split. I'd sit and ask myself "why did he ask me to move in? Why did he ask me to marry him and then do this?"
NO MORE! I'm not going to ask myself these types of questions anymore. I am looking for answers that I will probably never get. I'm hoping to understand someone who doesn't want to be understood. In these efforts I have only hurt myself and the positive space I need to live in. Its hard to say "I don't care" but at what point do you stop believing in someones ability to provide you some answers or happiness. Expect nothing of anyone else. Only set expectations on yourself...this way you only have yourself to be disappointed in. For as much good as people may have and want to provide you...expecting that of them will lead to a lack of fulfilment. You can't change them...but you can change yourself and the way you think.
I can't say that his lack of interest in a friendship with me after 4 years doesn't bother me but I am done giving it or him my time and energy. Some say that he needs time...space...what freaking time and space does he need that I haven't needed more of. He made this choice. I've learned to accept it and move on with my life...what more does he need? But it stops now. I am taking my power back and I am not going to allow that to drain me of time or energy anymore.
If you are suffering because someone has hurt you or because you don't seem to be getting what you want or need in a relationship...cut the cord. Relationships should help us grow, become better people, and learn how to love EVERYTHING in life. When a relationship you are involved in stops doing that and takes you down another path...one that is less than happy...you need to stop and think. Look around. Survey the landscape and see if you are in a grassy meadow or an arid plot of nothing.
Stop punishing yourself...release them and all negative that goes with it.
To pretend that the pain, hurt, and questions didn't exist would be a lie to myself and to you. I have no reason to feel ashamed that I suffered all emotions that come along with losing someone you love. But to be honest I think the bigger pain was not fully understanding why. I couldn't understand how I could love someone like that and not be loved in return. Today I question that love at all. My efforts to remain friends have been great on my side but more like constipation on his. He seems to be backed up with emotion and simply cant open up to that stage yet. For God sake...someone give him a laxative!
I've sat and wondered why this blockage exists. Why my attempts at friendship are met with silence and a lack of caring. The little communication we do have all seem to be one or two word responses on his part. For weeks now I have beat myself up wondering what I did to deserve being treated this was. I've wondered why he would tell me he wants to be my friend and then turn around and ignore me like I don't exist...or at least until he wants something. It reminds me of the question I asked myself over and over after our split. I'd sit and ask myself "why did he ask me to move in? Why did he ask me to marry him and then do this?"
NO MORE! I'm not going to ask myself these types of questions anymore. I am looking for answers that I will probably never get. I'm hoping to understand someone who doesn't want to be understood. In these efforts I have only hurt myself and the positive space I need to live in. Its hard to say "I don't care" but at what point do you stop believing in someones ability to provide you some answers or happiness. Expect nothing of anyone else. Only set expectations on yourself...this way you only have yourself to be disappointed in. For as much good as people may have and want to provide you...expecting that of them will lead to a lack of fulfilment. You can't change them...but you can change yourself and the way you think.
I can't say that his lack of interest in a friendship with me after 4 years doesn't bother me but I am done giving it or him my time and energy. Some say that he needs time...space...what freaking time and space does he need that I haven't needed more of. He made this choice. I've learned to accept it and move on with my life...what more does he need? But it stops now. I am taking my power back and I am not going to allow that to drain me of time or energy anymore.
If you are suffering because someone has hurt you or because you don't seem to be getting what you want or need in a relationship...cut the cord. Relationships should help us grow, become better people, and learn how to love EVERYTHING in life. When a relationship you are involved in stops doing that and takes you down another path...one that is less than happy...you need to stop and think. Look around. Survey the landscape and see if you are in a grassy meadow or an arid plot of nothing.
Stop punishing yourself...release them and all negative that goes with it.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Reflection
Sometimes we get so busy and caught up in our day to day lives that we don't take time out to reflect on ourselves and things we do. Most of us strive to be better people but put little effort into making that happen. We kind of just throw caution to the wind and hope that evolution will come about on its own.
I've taken some time to reflect on things lately. Clearly the last couple of months have been full of change, upset, upheaval, new growth, and a lot of good. Despite those good things I have often given more focus to things that have upset me. In doing so I allowed the anger and resentment to be too present in my life. I mentioned in one of my postings that we should let go of the negative in order to allow the good things to come into our lives...I lost my way.
In my recent break up I felt the common feelings of anger, hurt, sadness, and I even allowed myself to feel like I might be to blame and less than attractive. With these feelings I expressed myself in a manner that was perhaps hurtful to my ex. I called him things like self centered and selfish. I realize now I was acting out of anger and I hope that he can find the place in his heart to know where it was coming from.
Yesterday I inadvertently disregarded plans I had made to spend time with someone. It was not my intention to hurt or disrespect that person but I did by my lack of communication. Truth be told, I slept a good part of the day but that is no excuse for not communicating. I apologize.
The Buddhist believe that people come into one another's lives for a reason, a process of growth and learning with and from one another. When that journey is over they respectfully allow the paths to separate and take you to your new experience. I wish that were as easy to accept as it is to read. I believe its human nature to mourn a loss of life or relationship. I wish the heart and the mind would work together when it comes to facing those types of change. Only time helps with that.
Easy or not we must try to forget the negative, to release it and not carry those feelings around with us. When we inflict negative on others we only harm ourselves. By holding onto those emotions we block the path for positive things to come our way. Life will serve us our fair share of ups and downs but how we handle the down side reflects on how we will grow with the up side. I'm making a conscious effort to focus on the good I experienced in my relationship and the good I've experienced in life. Remembering the good times helps lighten the load of the not so good.
Love yourself enough to know you deserve all the good things in the universe.
I've taken some time to reflect on things lately. Clearly the last couple of months have been full of change, upset, upheaval, new growth, and a lot of good. Despite those good things I have often given more focus to things that have upset me. In doing so I allowed the anger and resentment to be too present in my life. I mentioned in one of my postings that we should let go of the negative in order to allow the good things to come into our lives...I lost my way.
In my recent break up I felt the common feelings of anger, hurt, sadness, and I even allowed myself to feel like I might be to blame and less than attractive. With these feelings I expressed myself in a manner that was perhaps hurtful to my ex. I called him things like self centered and selfish. I realize now I was acting out of anger and I hope that he can find the place in his heart to know where it was coming from.
Yesterday I inadvertently disregarded plans I had made to spend time with someone. It was not my intention to hurt or disrespect that person but I did by my lack of communication. Truth be told, I slept a good part of the day but that is no excuse for not communicating. I apologize.
The Buddhist believe that people come into one another's lives for a reason, a process of growth and learning with and from one another. When that journey is over they respectfully allow the paths to separate and take you to your new experience. I wish that were as easy to accept as it is to read. I believe its human nature to mourn a loss of life or relationship. I wish the heart and the mind would work together when it comes to facing those types of change. Only time helps with that.
Easy or not we must try to forget the negative, to release it and not carry those feelings around with us. When we inflict negative on others we only harm ourselves. By holding onto those emotions we block the path for positive things to come our way. Life will serve us our fair share of ups and downs but how we handle the down side reflects on how we will grow with the up side. I'm making a conscious effort to focus on the good I experienced in my relationship and the good I've experienced in life. Remembering the good times helps lighten the load of the not so good.
Love yourself enough to know you deserve all the good things in the universe.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
HIV and Social Responsibility
Yesterday I went to the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Center for a routine HIV test. While I was waiting for my turn a counselor came and asked me if I'd be interested in taking part in a study being conducted on both coasts to track risk behaviors, knowledge, and care in the gay lesbian and transgender communities. After a brief interview I decided to sign up.
During the first part of the process I sat at a computer and answered questions about my behaviors, drug and alcohol use, partners and their HIV status, and the safety measures I use to protect myself during intercourse. I consider myself to be responsible and safe but while reading these questions I was forced to take a good look at my history and take notice of any potential risk I had ever put myself in. Fortunately I'm a little shy of sex so I can rest my head about pretty much any dangers...none the less we need to be safe and aware.
In the next part of the interview I sat with a counselor to record any questions or concerns I might have pertaining to HIV and sexually transmitted infections. All of this took place while my tests were being processed and read. The interview turned very much into a conversation. A conversation that more people should have with one another to openly discuss the safety and risks around sex.
In our exchange a grim reality came to light and it should concern ALL of us gay and straight alike. A lot of people are not concerned with being tested. They either don't feel they have reason to be or they simply don't care enough to know, and that's the reality we have to face when engaging in sex with someone. If you had cancer you'd want to know, be treated, and you certainly wouldn't want to give it to someone else. So why then do so many care so little about knowing their HIV status? Furthermore, why would you want to put someone else at risk of being infected?
The mentality exists among some that perhaps not knowing gives them license to freely go about sex and not be concerned with spreading and infection we can control. There also exists a false sense security in the medications available to us because treatment has come so far and people are living full lives while infected. But why would taking medication everyday out weight the comfort of knowing you are safe and keeping others safe at the same time?
Unfortunately in the mind of many age becomes a factor. The gay community tends to be very ageist. For some the thought of growing old and gay is a dismal reality they would rather not face. Because of that thought process they will act irresponsibly and allow themselves to become infected in hopes that perhaps the infection will end their lives before they have to face growing old. Its a mind set many may not grasp but rest assured it does exist.
Another sad reality is that of the person who knows they are infected and feels empowered to infect other people because they want to take others with them down that road. Somehow they feel they are paying back society for what life has given them. For what they have given themselves. In my mind this is the scariest of them all. To have such little regard for the health and well being of another is a place of darkness I cant understand but I'd like to. Understanding this mentality could potentially help curve the process and effectively change the rate of infections all together.
I have a dear friend who is positive and has been for a number of years. I honor and value him as a person and as someone who effectively does his part to stop the spread of HIV. Through his honesty, his outreach, and his caring he puts others first so as not to be that person who spreads HIV any further. While he is healthy and the virus is undetectable in his system, I know that he is affected by it everyday. I can't begin to imagine what its like for him but my heart and love go out to him in all that he does. In loving himself he loves others by maintaining his social responsibility to stop the spread of HIV. Nothing he could ever do will change my caring for him. He is an example and someone to look up to. He's decided that the line of HIV stops with him and he's committed to keeping it that way.
Get tested people. Take the short amount of time out of your day to know your status. Fear is no reason to keep you from being healthy. But fear can be the reason you become infected. Stop the spread of STD's and HIV by being socially responsible. Do your part and leave your mark. I am.
During the first part of the process I sat at a computer and answered questions about my behaviors, drug and alcohol use, partners and their HIV status, and the safety measures I use to protect myself during intercourse. I consider myself to be responsible and safe but while reading these questions I was forced to take a good look at my history and take notice of any potential risk I had ever put myself in. Fortunately I'm a little shy of sex so I can rest my head about pretty much any dangers...none the less we need to be safe and aware.
In the next part of the interview I sat with a counselor to record any questions or concerns I might have pertaining to HIV and sexually transmitted infections. All of this took place while my tests were being processed and read. The interview turned very much into a conversation. A conversation that more people should have with one another to openly discuss the safety and risks around sex.
In our exchange a grim reality came to light and it should concern ALL of us gay and straight alike. A lot of people are not concerned with being tested. They either don't feel they have reason to be or they simply don't care enough to know, and that's the reality we have to face when engaging in sex with someone. If you had cancer you'd want to know, be treated, and you certainly wouldn't want to give it to someone else. So why then do so many care so little about knowing their HIV status? Furthermore, why would you want to put someone else at risk of being infected?
The mentality exists among some that perhaps not knowing gives them license to freely go about sex and not be concerned with spreading and infection we can control. There also exists a false sense security in the medications available to us because treatment has come so far and people are living full lives while infected. But why would taking medication everyday out weight the comfort of knowing you are safe and keeping others safe at the same time?
Unfortunately in the mind of many age becomes a factor. The gay community tends to be very ageist. For some the thought of growing old and gay is a dismal reality they would rather not face. Because of that thought process they will act irresponsibly and allow themselves to become infected in hopes that perhaps the infection will end their lives before they have to face growing old. Its a mind set many may not grasp but rest assured it does exist.
Another sad reality is that of the person who knows they are infected and feels empowered to infect other people because they want to take others with them down that road. Somehow they feel they are paying back society for what life has given them. For what they have given themselves. In my mind this is the scariest of them all. To have such little regard for the health and well being of another is a place of darkness I cant understand but I'd like to. Understanding this mentality could potentially help curve the process and effectively change the rate of infections all together.
I have a dear friend who is positive and has been for a number of years. I honor and value him as a person and as someone who effectively does his part to stop the spread of HIV. Through his honesty, his outreach, and his caring he puts others first so as not to be that person who spreads HIV any further. While he is healthy and the virus is undetectable in his system, I know that he is affected by it everyday. I can't begin to imagine what its like for him but my heart and love go out to him in all that he does. In loving himself he loves others by maintaining his social responsibility to stop the spread of HIV. Nothing he could ever do will change my caring for him. He is an example and someone to look up to. He's decided that the line of HIV stops with him and he's committed to keeping it that way.
Get tested people. Take the short amount of time out of your day to know your status. Fear is no reason to keep you from being healthy. But fear can be the reason you become infected. Stop the spread of STD's and HIV by being socially responsible. Do your part and leave your mark. I am.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Open Heart
As people, we are designed to love and be loved. For some that design can get tangled and twisted by life experience either in childhood, adolescents, adulthood, in relationships, or in death. All of these things shape who we are and who we become, but there is no reason to sink into such a dark place that we allow those experiences to create a life of negativity for ourselves.
I'm a young 36, but I truly feel like I have lived a full life. I have much more I'd like to do and see but I recognize that I've experienced a lot...good and not so good...none the less I realize that the not so good has helped make me the person that I am today. Flaws and all.
As a child I experienced a lot of turmoil in the home. I think that was partly due to being born to two people who were far too young to have a child. At 17 and 18 they hadn't given themselves the opportunity to live for themselves but they were going to bring me into this world anyway. I remember the yelling and screaming. I remember the cheating. I remember the physical things I saw. I used to hate that part of my life, those memories and the emotions they brought with them. To this day I still get anxious and a knotted stomach when I hear or witness yelling and violence. Though I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone, I wouldn't change it for myself.
Later on my grandparents took over and raised me as their ninth son. I am the oldest of about 30 grandchildren so it was a strange dichotomy being the youngest son yet oldest cousin. It was different. I remember being around eleven or twelve and driving my grandfather home in his truck because he had too much to drink. I could hardly see over the wheel. But that was the way it was a lot of the time...him having too much to drink. On good days it was a happy drink...but on bad days...just stay out of the way. He was never physically abusive but man could his voice carry and sting. And despite those days I remember more of the love he had for us and how we never went hungry or without a roof over our heads. I remember the man who you could always count on if you needed help. The man that many would come to for assistance.
Today I am a man full of life. Having struggled with love and my own mind, I can truly say that I am a happy soul, full of life and willing to jump in with both feet forward. Recently I was faced with the disillusion of a relationship I thought for sure would be the one I had for the rest of my life. When he decided that I was no longer what he wanted I had so many questions about what I did wrong or what I could have done differently. As time passed and I allowed my mind to digest what had just happened I realized that I did nothing wrong. I loved, protected, supplied, and honored the person I was and the person I was with. Despite that realization I still shut down and shut off for a period of time. Its human nature...and I needed to recognize that. Not so easy when you are in the thick of it. Now I realize I am okay and he is okay.
It's hard when you plant every seed in a garden and it fails to provide fruit, but that should not stop you from planting again. That should not keep you from learning the soil, the crop, and the nutrients required to bring up a bountiful season. I wanted to give up and let my plot dry...and then someone came along and said no...with the spirit of hope and love he watered the dry grounds of my soul and things began to grow again. Little and slow but I now know that that's how we all start out. Perhaps it will lead to one season of fruit or perhaps it will lead to a life of giving. The point it the soil was ready to receive.
Here I am, two months after such a hard period in my life, and I am aware enough to know that it should not end with my past...but should GROW with my future. My heart. My soul. And my love. We are all worthy of that and if we are open and lucky, that person will come by to make you see life does not end there...
Even in your darkest hour remember to keep your heart open because an open heart and open mind allows the world to be your oyster. From a grain of sand a pearl is born, and while we walk on it and take little notice that grain of sand provides us with jewels coveted by the world over. The same for love. From a spark and and interest a huge flame that warms the heart can ignite. I've opened myself to that and I know that so long as I keep those paths clear of negative things from my past I will be here to receive the beautiful opportunities the universe wants to provide. DO NOT close yourself off, mind, body, or spirit.
When you are not looking things will pop into your existence that will floor you and make you see the light that radiates from everything we are involved in. Love is grand. Love is anxiety. Love is peace. Love is bliss. Live in bliss and live in the life you deserve to have.
I'm a young 36, but I truly feel like I have lived a full life. I have much more I'd like to do and see but I recognize that I've experienced a lot...good and not so good...none the less I realize that the not so good has helped make me the person that I am today. Flaws and all.
As a child I experienced a lot of turmoil in the home. I think that was partly due to being born to two people who were far too young to have a child. At 17 and 18 they hadn't given themselves the opportunity to live for themselves but they were going to bring me into this world anyway. I remember the yelling and screaming. I remember the cheating. I remember the physical things I saw. I used to hate that part of my life, those memories and the emotions they brought with them. To this day I still get anxious and a knotted stomach when I hear or witness yelling and violence. Though I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone, I wouldn't change it for myself.
Later on my grandparents took over and raised me as their ninth son. I am the oldest of about 30 grandchildren so it was a strange dichotomy being the youngest son yet oldest cousin. It was different. I remember being around eleven or twelve and driving my grandfather home in his truck because he had too much to drink. I could hardly see over the wheel. But that was the way it was a lot of the time...him having too much to drink. On good days it was a happy drink...but on bad days...just stay out of the way. He was never physically abusive but man could his voice carry and sting. And despite those days I remember more of the love he had for us and how we never went hungry or without a roof over our heads. I remember the man who you could always count on if you needed help. The man that many would come to for assistance.
Today I am a man full of life. Having struggled with love and my own mind, I can truly say that I am a happy soul, full of life and willing to jump in with both feet forward. Recently I was faced with the disillusion of a relationship I thought for sure would be the one I had for the rest of my life. When he decided that I was no longer what he wanted I had so many questions about what I did wrong or what I could have done differently. As time passed and I allowed my mind to digest what had just happened I realized that I did nothing wrong. I loved, protected, supplied, and honored the person I was and the person I was with. Despite that realization I still shut down and shut off for a period of time. Its human nature...and I needed to recognize that. Not so easy when you are in the thick of it. Now I realize I am okay and he is okay.
It's hard when you plant every seed in a garden and it fails to provide fruit, but that should not stop you from planting again. That should not keep you from learning the soil, the crop, and the nutrients required to bring up a bountiful season. I wanted to give up and let my plot dry...and then someone came along and said no...with the spirit of hope and love he watered the dry grounds of my soul and things began to grow again. Little and slow but I now know that that's how we all start out. Perhaps it will lead to one season of fruit or perhaps it will lead to a life of giving. The point it the soil was ready to receive.
Here I am, two months after such a hard period in my life, and I am aware enough to know that it should not end with my past...but should GROW with my future. My heart. My soul. And my love. We are all worthy of that and if we are open and lucky, that person will come by to make you see life does not end there...
Even in your darkest hour remember to keep your heart open because an open heart and open mind allows the world to be your oyster. From a grain of sand a pearl is born, and while we walk on it and take little notice that grain of sand provides us with jewels coveted by the world over. The same for love. From a spark and and interest a huge flame that warms the heart can ignite. I've opened myself to that and I know that so long as I keep those paths clear of negative things from my past I will be here to receive the beautiful opportunities the universe wants to provide. DO NOT close yourself off, mind, body, or spirit.
When you are not looking things will pop into your existence that will floor you and make you see the light that radiates from everything we are involved in. Love is grand. Love is anxiety. Love is peace. Love is bliss. Live in bliss and live in the life you deserve to have.
Monday, May 17, 2010
reality
Tonight I was given a real dose of reality that made me think long and hard about what is true. I've loved and been loved. I've tried to put my best foot forward so that I can be that person that works at something that is worth having...but you cant have what doesn't want to be had.
I was told a story of a woman and a man that fell in love during their stay at a law firm in Chicago. They were in love put he wanted to move to CA to follow his heart at acting. Though they knew they were in love he had to go. While he was away she continued her law career and he went after his dream...knowing that his heart of hearts belonged to her. Without ever informing her he worked and worked and saved and sacrificed everything so that he could build a savings account that would allow them to be together in CA. When he had finally saved enough he told her what he had been doing and she promptly followed him to Los Angeles. They are now married, successful, and have a new baby.
My point is...when someone loves you...truly loves you...they are willing to give themselves and of themselves to make all that they want come true. They, like I tried to do, will sacrifice ALL so that hey can be with the one they love. Anything less is not true. Albeit, love has many different levels, but when its true love and all that comes with it...you will do anything to have it.
Obviously, at no fault of my own, I experienced something that may have been love but was far from being in love, because that person made it clear that he did not understand or know what it was to have such emotions. That doesn't mean he didn't love me...it just means he has a lot to work out in a heart that is lovable but too full of selfishness and being self centered to allow that single step forward that could lead to happiness beyond belief.
I don't say these things to convince people that love is not true...it is. And we should all open our hearts to it. But when you love to no end and it is met with hesitation...open your eyes and your heart so that you know what you are dealing with. In my experience I knew what was and what could be...so I banked on what could be. That is a choice you make on your own. None the less, I VALUE love, what is can be, and I respect the hurt that can come with it.
I've learned a lot from all of this. Four years of off and on, eight months of co-habitation, and a period of heart break afterward. Not easy but needed to see the true colors of love and the rainbow of opportunities that await each and everyone of us.
DO NOT close your mind or heart to love. We need it and want it. He who chooses to fill his life with empty half witted relationships will be the one to stand alone and suffer the life of someone who has been too scared to take that plunge. Do not allow someone else to make you that person. We are all in control of what we can and can not have. Focus on what you want and know you can get it.
Open your heart and soar to new horizons.
I was told a story of a woman and a man that fell in love during their stay at a law firm in Chicago. They were in love put he wanted to move to CA to follow his heart at acting. Though they knew they were in love he had to go. While he was away she continued her law career and he went after his dream...knowing that his heart of hearts belonged to her. Without ever informing her he worked and worked and saved and sacrificed everything so that he could build a savings account that would allow them to be together in CA. When he had finally saved enough he told her what he had been doing and she promptly followed him to Los Angeles. They are now married, successful, and have a new baby.
My point is...when someone loves you...truly loves you...they are willing to give themselves and of themselves to make all that they want come true. They, like I tried to do, will sacrifice ALL so that hey can be with the one they love. Anything less is not true. Albeit, love has many different levels, but when its true love and all that comes with it...you will do anything to have it.
Obviously, at no fault of my own, I experienced something that may have been love but was far from being in love, because that person made it clear that he did not understand or know what it was to have such emotions. That doesn't mean he didn't love me...it just means he has a lot to work out in a heart that is lovable but too full of selfishness and being self centered to allow that single step forward that could lead to happiness beyond belief.
I don't say these things to convince people that love is not true...it is. And we should all open our hearts to it. But when you love to no end and it is met with hesitation...open your eyes and your heart so that you know what you are dealing with. In my experience I knew what was and what could be...so I banked on what could be. That is a choice you make on your own. None the less, I VALUE love, what is can be, and I respect the hurt that can come with it.
I've learned a lot from all of this. Four years of off and on, eight months of co-habitation, and a period of heart break afterward. Not easy but needed to see the true colors of love and the rainbow of opportunities that await each and everyone of us.
DO NOT close your mind or heart to love. We need it and want it. He who chooses to fill his life with empty half witted relationships will be the one to stand alone and suffer the life of someone who has been too scared to take that plunge. Do not allow someone else to make you that person. We are all in control of what we can and can not have. Focus on what you want and know you can get it.
Open your heart and soar to new horizons.
Another Day
After a relaxing weekend I've learned a little about myself that I thought I had lost. I learned that I can be okay with being by myself. When you live with and love someone you tend to get caught up in what life TOGETHER is and you forget that before that person was part of you...you were by yourself. Sometimes better for it.
I was also reminded that I can be happy for someone else despite my recent bad times. My step sister got engaged this weekend and while it was a bitter sweet bit of news I quickly realized that her and Chris deserve every happiness that they can possibly have and I am so happy for them. We all deserve to be happy and have that special someone in our lives. I'm glad they have found one another.
Focus on today and GROW for tomorrow. Life will bring us all we want so focus on the good and let the negative go.
I was also reminded that I can be happy for someone else despite my recent bad times. My step sister got engaged this weekend and while it was a bitter sweet bit of news I quickly realized that her and Chris deserve every happiness that they can possibly have and I am so happy for them. We all deserve to be happy and have that special someone in our lives. I'm glad they have found one another.
Focus on today and GROW for tomorrow. Life will bring us all we want so focus on the good and let the negative go.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Love Yourself
Often in life we forget to love ourselves. Sometimes that's because we get caught up in family, friends, or loved ones...but it happens and we put ourselves second. In doing so we may open ourselves up to being hurt in some fashion or another.
I tend to love fully and completely so when I share that love I tend to place a higher value on that relationship than I do on my emotional being. I was recently reminded how dangerous that can be. I was in a relationship with someone I loved with all of my being. I would have given him the world if I could have. I found myself wanting nothing more than to be able to provide him peace and happiness...but I didn't see that in doing so I was taking that peace an happiness away from myself. I was so caught up in what I wanted to give him that I couldn't see what he wasn't giving me. Then the bomb...he told me he didn't love me the same way I loved him. After 4 years of off and on and 8 months of living together AND after asking me to marry him...I listened to those things but didn't remember to LOVE myself.
My point is...remember to love yourself. Remember to listen to your inner voice. Don't make someone a priority who makes you an option. Always know that you are deserving of the love you give and demand it. It's not 50/50. Both must come to the table 100%. Express yourself and talk it out...allow yourselves to grow together not apart.
Evolution of the heart goes far beyond the mind...
I tend to love fully and completely so when I share that love I tend to place a higher value on that relationship than I do on my emotional being. I was recently reminded how dangerous that can be. I was in a relationship with someone I loved with all of my being. I would have given him the world if I could have. I found myself wanting nothing more than to be able to provide him peace and happiness...but I didn't see that in doing so I was taking that peace an happiness away from myself. I was so caught up in what I wanted to give him that I couldn't see what he wasn't giving me. Then the bomb...he told me he didn't love me the same way I loved him. After 4 years of off and on and 8 months of living together AND after asking me to marry him...I listened to those things but didn't remember to LOVE myself.
My point is...remember to love yourself. Remember to listen to your inner voice. Don't make someone a priority who makes you an option. Always know that you are deserving of the love you give and demand it. It's not 50/50. Both must come to the table 100%. Express yourself and talk it out...allow yourselves to grow together not apart.
Evolution of the heart goes far beyond the mind...
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