Day 31 with no medication. I feel like it would be easier to
die. There’s not a single joint or muscle in my body that doesn't hurt. I don’t
mean discomfort…I mean pain. Holding my cane, grabbing a pen, trying to stand
or walk, they all kill. Joint pain in places I had no idea there were joints.
My knees are shot. My mind us mush. I try to eat and I get sick. I walk around
with blood shot eyes due to the dry heaves and force behind the retching. I’m
exhausted of it all. Tired of the pain, tired of the wait, tired of hearing I
look well…I’m freaking tired. I've asked for pain medication to at least help
me through this part of it and nothing. Chest pain. Who cares? Chest tightness.
Who cares? Elevated diastolic pressure. Who the f cares?
I try to keep my head high and keep a positive disposition
about it all but managing all of this is exhausting. I literally play mind
games with myself just to try and accomplish things that need to be done.
Nothing helps. I feel for my co-workers. I know in my heart of hearts that
there is something I am supposed to be learning and perhaps teaching through
all of this. I pray and meditate for something to keep me upbeat and in good form
but it seems I am needing to search for clues as to the direction I am to go.
As of now…it’s down.
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