Where I Find Myself...

Searching. Wondering. Asking. Longing. Crying. Laughing. Loving. On a path to discovery yet I know not what I hope to uncover. There is so much going on inside that sometimes I feel manic and like I am spinning out of control...but being the person I am...I make every attempt to gain control again.

When I look back on my life I see how lucky I have been. How I've managed to make a difference and touch lives just by being me. No act or script to follow...just my heart. Sure, I could dwell on the bad things that have happened but I rather focus on how those things have made me a better person today. How they've helped me see the good in everything. Even the hurt or the pain...I mean...how else would we know to value something different?

But I am here. This place. The cross roads of the mind and I can take off in any number of directions...accept...I seem to be headed in all directions at once. Its like I am a mountain peak and all the rains from the heavens above fall on me but rather than gathering in the valley's below...they are shed off into an abyss...a place not to be collected...a place not to be reflected upon. Darkness.

I find myself crying at the beauty in nature. Feeling like a particle of dust in this vast place we make our home. Then I laugh because I think I am being so silly to cry over such things.

I wonder...I wonder will I ever find the happiness people talk about. Will I find the love that springs eternal? When will I sit around with my partner, laughing, or napping, or staring at the rain? WHEN will I have THAT partner...a partner? I wonder...is this the way I am supposed to live my life...surrounded by loved ones but with no "love" to call my own.

I am in love with what I can not have...and I am forced to stare it in the face every moment I take a breath. I am made to realize that despite my feelings circumstances dictate a different reality. And I hurt. I hurt and I long for that good night kiss, that gentle touch as I roll over, or that slight glance upward from whatever he may be doing...just to get a glimpse of me, doing whatever crazy thing I may be doing...

Emotionally I feel I am the most evolved I have ever been. I feel connected and I can recognize the happiness I find within myself...but then I feel so empty and alone. When I look over to share my day with that special someone...he is not there and I am once again made to realize that yes...its just me.

I cry tears of joy and happiness for so many around me that have so many wonderful things happening for them...in life and in love. Then, when alone, I cry tears of sorrow for the love I do not have...and the deception behind all of this is that sometimes when others see me cry tears of joy for them, they have no idea that those tears are mixed with tears of sorrow for me...the bitter sweet...

Life is a glorious gift that I am so happy to be part of and take part in, and despite the hardships I describe above I love what I have. I'd love to get to the top but I recognize that these steps, the hard times, will make the end of my journey so much sweeter. So bring it on life. Draw out my tears...draw them out and allow them to water the fields of growth and new life that await me.

Do not hold on to the pain in the hard times...but use its memory to create the now you want to have.