Death As The Only Outlet

Over the last several days some of us have been made aware of very sad and unnecissary situations in the lives of a few families. I say some of us because there are those who would rather turn the other cheek and not acknowledge what is happening in our society today. To that end I will try and shed some light on a horrible occurance that seems to be more and more common and all too familiar.

Let me bring two names to the front right now. Asher Brown and Seth Walsh. These young boys took their own lives because of bullying and the lack of tolerance they were surrounded by. In a place where they should have been protected they were subjected to taunting, abuse, and insults all because of who they were. These young spirits, creatures of God, and children to parents that loved them were made to find such pain and shame in the people they were that they saw no way out other than to take their own lives...all because of bullying in school.

This is a testament to where we are as a society. Where we are as a people. We would all like to think so much more of ourselves because we are a proud species, but take notice and accept your resposibility in this. Directly or indirectly we are all to blame. Everytime we see bad behavior, abuse, and ill will being done to others AND we do not step up...we add one more brick to that wall. The very same wall that will eventually divide us into isolation, one from another.

Many would like to make dismissive statements like, "kids will be kids" or "its part of the growing process." Well, kids are in part a product from where they came, and this notion of the growing process...Seth and Asher will no longer have that opportunity to grow...OR to learn that they are worthy of love and acceptance just as they were. Children, by nature, are innocent creatures. The bias and prejudice they develope doesn't happen in the blink of an eye...it happens with training and exposure to hate and bigotry.

Some have said that homophobia is the sister to racism. Most people want to believe that we have moved beyond such things. Well, take a good hard look in the mirror. Have YOU moved beyond? What will you teach your children, nieces and nephews, or the neighbors kids about tolerance and those who may not be just like us?

When you stand by, watching these things unfold and do nothing, you are a part of the problem and not a part of the solution. One day the roulette wheel will stop and the ball will be on your number. If you have done nothing to protect others...who will be there to protect you?

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/ybenjamin/detail?entry_id=73326

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/metropolitan/7220896.html

Where I Find Myself...

Searching. Wondering. Asking. Longing. Crying. Laughing. Loving. On a path to discovery yet I know not what I hope to uncover. There is so much going on inside that sometimes I feel manic and like I am spinning out of control...but being the person I am...I make every attempt to gain control again.

When I look back on my life I see how lucky I have been. How I've managed to make a difference and touch lives just by being me. No act or script to follow...just my heart. Sure, I could dwell on the bad things that have happened but I rather focus on how those things have made me a better person today. How they've helped me see the good in everything. Even the hurt or the pain...I mean...how else would we know to value something different?

But I am here. This place. The cross roads of the mind and I can take off in any number of directions...accept...I seem to be headed in all directions at once. Its like I am a mountain peak and all the rains from the heavens above fall on me but rather than gathering in the valley's below...they are shed off into an abyss...a place not to be collected...a place not to be reflected upon. Darkness.

I find myself crying at the beauty in nature. Feeling like a particle of dust in this vast place we make our home. Then I laugh because I think I am being so silly to cry over such things.

I wonder...I wonder will I ever find the happiness people talk about. Will I find the love that springs eternal? When will I sit around with my partner, laughing, or napping, or staring at the rain? WHEN will I have THAT partner...a partner? I wonder...is this the way I am supposed to live my life...surrounded by loved ones but with no "love" to call my own.

I am in love with what I can not have...and I am forced to stare it in the face every moment I take a breath. I am made to realize that despite my feelings circumstances dictate a different reality. And I hurt. I hurt and I long for that good night kiss, that gentle touch as I roll over, or that slight glance upward from whatever he may be doing...just to get a glimpse of me, doing whatever crazy thing I may be doing...

Emotionally I feel I am the most evolved I have ever been. I feel connected and I can recognize the happiness I find within myself...but then I feel so empty and alone. When I look over to share my day with that special someone...he is not there and I am once again made to realize that yes...its just me.

I cry tears of joy and happiness for so many around me that have so many wonderful things happening for them...in life and in love. Then, when alone, I cry tears of sorrow for the love I do not have...and the deception behind all of this is that sometimes when others see me cry tears of joy for them, they have no idea that those tears are mixed with tears of sorrow for me...the bitter sweet...

Life is a glorious gift that I am so happy to be part of and take part in, and despite the hardships I describe above I love what I have. I'd love to get to the top but I recognize that these steps, the hard times, will make the end of my journey so much sweeter. So bring it on life. Draw out my tears...draw them out and allow them to water the fields of growth and new life that await me.

Do not hold on to the pain in the hard times...but use its memory to create the now you want to have.

Remember...

Today is a day the world continues to remember. This day, nine years ago, marked a dark day in the history of the United States and a dark day in the lives of so many that lost loved ones. My heart felt prayers go out to everyone affected by the events of that day and I only hope that time and love have been able to soften the pain still left behind.

I want to remind people to go forward from a place of love and peace today and always. There are many who would enjoy lumping an entire group together so as to spread hate. Please be reminded that among every group we have extremist and those are the people that tear a society apart.

When standing in your place of judgement, while you might want to look down upon others...take a look at what you identify with and realize that no faith in history is without shadow...and remember...it was the extremist in all of them that cast that darkness.

Hmmmm

Funny enough...I walk though life and find that sometimes I am dissapointed in people and the manner in which they carry themselves or interact with me. True to form I will then sit and THINK about why they behave in such a fashion...well...guess what...its my fault for expecting more of them than they are capable of...the dissappointment lies within myself.

Fuck it. I'm no longer going to wonder what or why...no more time wasted on people that dont deserve my energy.

Realizing...

Over the last couple of weeks I have done a lot of thinking about where I am emotionally, physically, professionally, and spiritually. Physically I am doing better, spiritually I am healthy and growing, professionally I could be better but couldn't we all...then we get to emotionally.
I, like many I'm sure, often get stuck in a thought process where I start to evaluate EVERYTHING in my life. Lately I have been doing a lot of soul searching to try and figure out what seems off to me, what is keeping me from running at top speed. Some of the obvious things are health, energy, time...but as I began to dig deeper I realized what is bothering me and then I was bothered by what is bothering me.
I'm lonely. Not because I dont have friends or things to do that will occupy my time. Not because my life doesn't have purpose and certainly not because I lock myself up in the house and hide from the world...but because I miss the intamacy shared. I miss the laughs, the silence and knowing that its okay, I miss the sharing and the caring. I miss rolling over and sneaking a long glance before waking.
It's not the sex...God knows that if I wanted just that it could be found in a countless number of ways and places. No, I miss the touch that seems so simple but means so much.
It's a strange place to be in...to realize that I have such a full life but can feel so alone...but it's also a blessing because I am forced to look at myself and reflect on so much that might help me understand how I got here.